3, going on 4.

Leo will be turning four in just about six weeks. I don't know how it happened that my baby is nearly four years old.

I feel as though I have calmed into motherhood. Maybe he has gotten easier, maybe life has gotten easier, maybe I have grown up. Maybe he has. I've always been so grateful to be a stay-at-home parent, but it is so hard some days, and I often find myself completely exhausted, especially if his daddy has been on a busy string of shifts and I've been mostly on my own.

But this week was so, so good. I'm now 34 weeks pregnant with the little boy and am having so much lower back pain that I find it hard to do much of anything for very long (including sleep), and Matt was on night shifts all week, and Leo's school was cancelled partially because of Thanksgiving and partially because of some kind of stomach flu that took all of the teachers down (thank heavens we haven't fallen victim - knock on wood). All of these are things that might have thrown me for a loop in the past. I do my best to keep Leo on a pretty regular schedule, but because Matt's work schedule changes so dramatically so often, it reflects in our home life, but this week we fell into a nice, calm routine, just the two of us, until Matt woke up around dinnertime to hang out before leaving for work. Breakfast, hanging out at home, some kind of morning activity like library or errands, lunch and nap, more hanging out, then a neighborhood walk (with scooter) before dinner and playtime with Papa (who Leo now usually calls "Dad").

I spent a few days doing some prep work for our little family Thanksgiving dinner, which we enjoyed tonight - a roasted turkey breast, gravy, mashed potatoes, wild rice stuffing, brussels sprouts and corn - I pulled it all off like I'd done it a hundred times before - with Leo underfoot, with Matt asleep. Could it be possible that I'm just getting better at...things? Could I just be calming down and enjoying being a homemaker more, without worrying and freaking out and being exhausted by everything? And how could that even possibly be happening right now, when I'm exhausted and sore most of the time? And I didn't even get sad or blue tonight after Matt left for work, after Leo went to bed - I usually feel lonely when we can't be with extended family on holidays - and although of course I missed them (hi Mom), I felt happy and satisfied with our lovely, low-key, happy little family Thanksgiving.

And maybe life is a little easier now, especially with Matt working a job that makes him so much happier, and living in a town where we feel happy and content, and a cozy home that is comfortable and easy to live in.

Or maybe I really am just getting better at it. At everything.

So this is why I'm freaking out.

I'm having another BABY. In a few WEEKS. Things just suddenly started looking easier and now I'm going to have a BABY. And a four-year-old. At the same time. Forever.

Our family dynamic is so beautiful, the three of us have so much fun. Matt and Leo are so incredibly close. Sometimes all I can do is just smile and take it all in. And even cry a little...it's kind of become a thing - "Mommy's happy crying again because she's pregnant."

So I'm scared for us to go from three to four. I worry that there is no way I can love both of those little boys the way I have been able to love and tend to Leo when he was my only child. I'm worried about having a difficult time again after his arrival. I dealt with depression and anxiety during Leo's first year - a lot of it was further complicated by so many things going on in our lives at the time (Matt's intern year, we were SO poor, living in that super dusty and hot little tiny apartment, losing our beloved pet) - I just don't want to feel that way again, I don't want to feel so lost again for so long. I think so much of it was just the shock of new parenthood. So maybe that will be better. Or will I feel the shock of being a mama of two just as strongly? Will breastfeeding be easier? Will I function better with no sleep?

Will things eventually feel normal again?

I know it's all temporary, each hard phase, and there's something new and different around the corner with your child all the time whether they are a newborn or four years old, but I just can't help but be a little apprehensive about the kinds of changes that are in our not-so-distant future.

I'm also really super excited to add another sweet boy to our family.