Parents have it so hard. You love your child intensely but they complicate your life infinitely, your time isn't your own, and you have resigned yourself to pretty much never sleeping eight straight hours again without waking at least once just out of habit.
I always thought I was "a homebody" because I liked "being at home." Wrong. Since having a baby I have realized that I am anything but. Matt and I were always running out at all hours for a random spur-of-the-moment late-night dinner, yoga class, whatevs. On the weekends we were rarely found sitting at home, always at a movie, walking around, seeing live music, out to dinner, etc. Even while he was in med school.
ALLLLLL of that changes when you have a child. Dare I say it? I miss it. I miss being able to just take off and do whatever I want. I miss being able to go to a coffeeshop and sit with a book (HAHAHA like I ever did that), I miss being able to just go for a walk or go to a yoga class or a movie or a bar or a friend's house.
We do the best we can. Today, for example. Today was a beautiful day. We took a nice drive up the coast and found a cute bistro and had breakfast and then returned home. We both napped (um, taking turns watching the baby, obv). Later in the day we started feeling stir crazy. CRAZY. Matt hitched up the Burley baby bike trailer and we rode up to Manhattan Beach and then back to Hermosa and stopped and ate dinner by the beach. We watched the sun set, we rode home. Leo loves his bike trailer, he smiled at all of the ladies and all of the dogs and laughed as we barked like dogs at him all the way home. He took a bath and went to bed. Then I took a bath and relaxed.
We adore him. It was a good day. Eating TWO meals out in one day? This baby is a champ. Did I mention he got a tooth today? Nary a fuss.
We are blessed beyond belief. I think I have made that perfectly clear, and that is why I don't feel guilty about being honest about missing my old life. It's ok. As one of my wise friends told me - missing your old life means you had a good life even before the baby.
Avocado Face, I love you more than anything.
I relate to this so much. People like to jump on us willing to be honest about missing our old lives. I do too though. And yes, yes, I love my babes more than anything. Would never take back having them, but yes, I do at times miss the flexiblity (and selfishness) that I was once able to exhibit.
ReplyDeleteI think about my old life all the time. I miss it. I miss it bad. (Let's try and remember this when our boys are older and want nothing to do with us and all we want is to hang out with them.) Remind me and I'll remind you.
ReplyDeleteDeal, Kelly. And Leah, I love your use of the word "selfishness..." My mom and I were talking after she read this post (and your comment) about how "selfishness" in this case isn't necessary a bad thing, it's just that our lives before kids were "self"-centered and now they are kid-centered. It's a big shift and it's natural that we would grieve it - after thirty years of learning to put yourself first.
ReplyDeleteI'm in your boat and nodding. Love her to death but miss the mornings where I would get back in bed and watch a movie. And the most effort I had to make all day was straightening my hair. :)
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