His own life, and I hope it is a lovely one.

The other day, I dropped Leo off at the gym kids' club before my workout class.  He loves it there, he rarely leaves without a fuss when I come to pick him up.  When I first started bringing him, he haaaaated it and would cry and cry.  Several times the kids' club workers came up to get me after 10 minutes or so but I just kept bringing him until he got used to me leaving for a bit and then coming back, and then he started having fun with all of the toys and the other kids, and now he smiles when I tell him we're going, and he'll even ask to go - Kih-ka!

I digress.  Anyway, we walked in the door and, as usual, he immediately dashed for the toys in the little outdoor fenced-in area out back.  I signed him in and then, when I looked up, he was hugging one of the people who works there, one of his particular favorites, a college-age kid named Mateo.  Mateo was giving him a hug back and laughing and then he looked up and saw me and kind of blushed, and I realized that they must do this all the time - they were happy to see each other.  They're buddies!

I got such a lump in my throat.  He has friends!  People he knows, people he likes, and they are a part of his little life.  He's too young to miss someone like Mateo when he's gone or think too much about it, his life is still so "in-the-moment," and in that moment he was happy to see Mateo and it just made me so happy and wistful all at the same time.

I've always had this sense that becoming a mother involves learning to let go in little ways, a thousand times each day, and accept these little people for who they are, while doing your best to provide them a safe environment in which to grow and learn on their own.  Every day he is growing very, very slightly away from me.  I used to hold my hand on my large belly and think about how miraculous it was that he was a part of me, but that we would always be growing away from each other.  That's how it must be, that is life, that is growth, that is raising a child.  You do it for them, not for you.  Sometimes you have to remind yourself of that fact.  I do, anyway. 

But for now, I'm going to enjoy being as close to him as I am.