love song for the past three years

We're moving in five weeks. To a new part of the state (country really), to a new house. New friends, new everything.

This is the big goal, this is what we have worked toward for ten years, when Matt started his pre-calc and bio classes as a post-baccalaureate student at Texas State University in the hopes of some day applying to medical school. In five weeks, he will graduate from residency and will take his first job as a board-eligible emergency physician, and we are moving to a new and beautiful place with mountains, ocean, and thick redwood forests.

We have had a beautiful three years here in Hermosa Beach, but we are so ready for this change, to live in a more spacious part of the country with fewer freeways, less congestion, and larger yards. 

But I'm so sentimental lately. First, in the TWELVE (!) years that Matt and I have lived together, we have never lived in an apartment as long as we have lived in this tiny beachside place. We signed this lease before going overseas for our pre-residency backpacking trip to SE Asia, from which I returned pregnant, and we breathed a sigh of relief that we had selected a (very small) two-bedroom apartment. The landlord was great, the rent was shockingly decent, the place was cute, and the location was outstanding. We figured that after the kiddo arrived we'd upgrade to something bigger, but it just never happened. Every time we found a place and almost signed a lease, we backed out - the cost of moving (often $5-7000 with deposits, here in LA) and the time and work just didn't seem worth it. 

At times, this tiny place has made me feel crazy. I'm not good at design or organization, and the place does not get an ocean breeze, so it's very hot in the summer. Since we basically assumed that we'd be moving, there were certain things I never did that could have made it feel more homey: like taking down the industrial-looking rough-cut blackout curtain fabric sheets that cover our bedroom windows so Matt can sleep after night shifts...or like getting an actual dresser in Leo's room, instead of a plastic bin with drawers.

At times, it just felt like a stepping-stone place. An apartment where we were living while we looked to find something that suited our life as a family better.

But...

...this is the place where I was pregnant.

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 This was the last place that we lived with our kitty (of 10 years).

 (Can you BELIEVE what you are seeing? Yup, I used to let Matt nap!)

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  The walking-distance views are, quite simply, incredible.

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This was where we prepared for Leo's arrival.

  

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And this was the last place that we lived as just a couple.

He's going to kill me for this, his "first day of residency" picture! I sent it to our moms.

Below, first Hermosa surf (and what pregnant wife did to pass the time while he surfed)

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And, of course, this was our son's first home.

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I learned what it was like to live right next to the beach and to visit anytime I wanted. I learned that baby powder gets sand off of skin like nothing else. I learned that there is no limit to the height of SPF through which I will burn, and that a lightweight scarf, when worn correctly, can be fashionable and practical as beachwear.

This was where I lived when I became a mother and experienced all of the love, pain, and sacrifice that comes with that title. This was where I watched my husband become a physician and experience of all the love, pain and sacrifice that comes with that title. This was where, despite having had many good friendships in my life, I found friendship on a different level - friends that I learned to lean on like family when I needed them, and I learned how to be a good friend in return.

I learned what hard work really was. I learned how to set a goal and work towards it. I learned how to run and I learned how to cook. 

I know all the parks. I know every store that has a Thomas the Train table within a ten-mile radius. I know which mall has a glass-windowed elevator that, when my son is sick and we have to get out of the house and it's raining, he will ride happily for a half hour. I know where all of the swingsets and bathrooms are located at every stretch of beach within biking distance.

My life changed so much here. I'll miss it. I'll miss the places, the people, the familiarity.

But I am so ready for our next adventure.

This man.

I thank the universe every day.

The highlight reel

Inspired by my friend Kelly.

What I was going for (and what I shared on social media)...

VS

The outtakes...

5K

I ran my first 5K today.

I started training 2 months and one day ago, on my 33rd birthday. I have lost 15 pounds, almost two sizes and a lot of negativity!

When I started running, I could only run for a minute and then walk for a minute at a time. I got up to running five or six minutes with a one-minute walk break and was taking about 14 minutes to get through each mile.

Last week I shaved my time down to 12 minutes per mile and I was THRILLED.

Today I ran the entire 5K without walking at all (only stopped for a quick drink of water) at a pace of 10.37/mile!!!

What should my next fitness goal be?

Life changes

On the eve of my 33rd birthday, just over a month ago, I hit a wall. I was so upset about my clothes not fitting anymore. I realized it was time for a big change. I started a couch-to-5k training program and changed my diet.

Here is a before-and-after pic. I took the first pic the night of my meltdown; the second picture was last night after my run.

Making this change has given me such an incredible boost in so, so many ways. I have more energy. I am happier. I go to bed earlier because I'm not jumping from snack to snack (and, therefore, I'm more rested because I'm sleeping longer!) My diet has changed so much but I'm really enjoying what I'm eating and I'm cooking a lot. I don't feel guilty about snacking because I'm limiting my crap food and not binging.

Last year I started following a meal planning service and really committed to learning to cook, and it was awesome. I learned so much and I LOVE to cook. But for now I'm taking a break from the plan and cooking from the Weight Watchers cookbook. And you know what? The recipes are awesome. And I am learning to listen to my body and stop eating when I'm full...not when there is no food left in the pan.

My old clothes fit. My jeans fit. Having a closet full of beloved old clothes that suddenly fit you again is like suddenly having a whole new wardrobe. I don't feel like a slob wearing my pj pants everywhere.

My running is improving. I stretch religiously, so my plantar fasciitis is getting better, too.

Most of all, I am so damn happy and proud of myself. I'm finally doing something real and concrete to take care of myself. Treating myself. Long-term. Not just treating myself by going for a quick shopping trip, or indulging in some wine because I deserve it, but taking the time to commit and put myself first because when I am happy, I am a better mom and wife.

I saw one of those quotes on The Facebook the other day - you know, those cheesy inspirational quotes that someone typed in some stupid fancy font and posted as a picture? But this one hit me in the gut. It said, "It's not who you are that is holding you back. It's who you think you're NOT."

I thought I wasn't the athletic girl. I'm not the healthy eater. I could never run a race. But it was holding me back. I'm making the choice to be that girl. I'm taking control. 

I want this guy to grow up seeing his mama take care of herself, be active, eat healthy, and be happy, so that he will do the same.

Conversations with a Two-Year-Old

I want to remember what Leo was like in these early days of learning how to have a conversation. He's very verbal and very social and we chat all day long.

Some things I don't want to forget:

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"Mama, school bus go beep-beep!"

Yes, Leo, that's right, the school bus goes "beep-beep" when you honk the horn. Someday when you are older you will ride a school bus to school, would you like that?

[eyes widen] "Ok, go school bus!" [pauses, then gently pushes me away] "No Mama, Mama go. Mama too big."

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Leo, time to go home for dinner.

"No dinner, more park."

One more slide and then we have to go.

[climbs onto platform, veeeeeerrrry slowwwwwly inches his way towards the slide]

Leo, one more slide, it's time to go.

[grins and stops on platform, reaching out to the slide] "Oh no, can't reach."

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Leo's very into talking about things he remembers right now. He'll start his story with "Remember...?" which sounds like "momo...?" Some examples.

"Remember Leo fall down?"
"Remember choo-choo train?"
"Remember Leo puked?"
"Remember cousins? Remember Uncle Al?" [Christmas in Texas made a big impression]
"Remember Papa catch the ball? Hahahahahaha!"
"Remember carwash, kinda scary? 'Sokay, no big deal."

Side note. He talks a lot about things that are "kinda scary." He has a book about Thomas the Train being scared in the woods at night (it's a five-page board book and ends happily) and it was the first thing that was "scary" to him. We talked about it a lot and he seems to understand that if something is scary it's good to talk about it and it makes you feel better. We recently went to a park that had a huuuuuuge tornado slide and I told him that it scared me a little bit (um, truth yo) but that I would go up there with him. He seemed really surprised that I was "scared" by something.

Sometimes very little things are scary. Tonight in his bath he found a bottle of Matt's body wash. It has a picture on the label of a large, dark splashing wave. "Kinda scary. 'Sokay." We looked at it for a while and talked about how it was big and dark but it was just a picture of a wave so it was okay.

I love him so much.

we do faces