I have two children.

I was not prepared.

Leo walked into my hospital room to meet Jack for the first time, took one look at me, his face crumpled and he ran away from me to one of my parents, or maybe Matt, I don't remember. He looked at me in the strangest way - this little boy to whom I have always been so close - I've always been his comfort, but that day, he looked at me like I was an alien, one who maybe had hurt him a little.

Jack will be one month old tomorrow, and things are starting to seem slightly more normal around here. I was prepared for the madness of having a newborn, knew that things would be exhausting and frantic for a while, but I was not prepared for my 4-year-old's huge, complicated feelings, and did not know how to navigate them.

During my first few days home, I couldn't believe how huge Leo looked to me - how he no longer smelled like a baby (somehow, until Jack was born, he still did, to me?), how big and strong and solid he is. I felt pangs of grief and guilt over that. Leo was frustrated when he wanted morning or bedtime cuddles and Jack needed to nurse at the same time. My wonderfully supportive parents, Leo's dear dear buddies and two of his favorite people, found themselves shunned by the little guy, who seemed frustrated at having two more people to divide my attention. They had planned to take him to do fun stuff every day and help keep him busy, but Leo just wanted me. It seemed that he ached to feel secure in his family unit again. We tried so hard to talk about feelings, support him, be patient.

It's getting better. It is better, much better. I can't love these two little people the same way - Leo had four years to be my only baby, something Jack will never know, but Jack will always grow up knowing he has his parents AND Leo. Leo has started settling into new routines - at night, instead of cuddling alone in his bed before bedtime, we turn out the living room lights, sit on the couch and listen to songs while I nurse Jack and cuddle Leo. Last night, Leo specifically requested couch cuddles, and spent the whole time softly stroking Jack's head. He loves him. The feelings are complicated, but love is the most important of them.

Jack is a pretty easy baby - he nurses, then sleeps, then wakes and looks around with his big blue-gray newborn eyes (will they become dark blue like mine and Leo's, or light green like Matt's?) - he is laid-back. He looks for me, Matt, and Leo. Last night Matt and Leo were wrestling and laughing hysterically, and Jack (who does have normal fussy evenings) completely settled down and opened his eyes huge, and his mouth too, trying so hard to focus on the guys and, I imagine, hoping that it won't be long before he can join the fun.

And it won't be long. He'll grow before I know it. I'm able to enjoy these days more this time, knowing that the hard stuff is all temporary. I worried about how to help Leo adjust to this, but again, "the way out is through" - he is adjusting as he sees, every day, that our routines might be a little bit different, but he can be secure in our love and in our family.

Last thought: with my first newborn, I mostly found myself thinking "ALL I DO IS NURSE AND WATCH NETFLIX, sob sob sob" but with the second it's more like "All I want to do today is nurse and watch netflix, and I get to...awesome."